Sorry

Ugh, the past two days I have been in self-loathing mode. I owe thanks and an apology to Hollister, Dave, and Craig. I think that I am over the worst of it. Needless to say, I need to take some time off work and get away. Who knows when that might happen though? At this rate I am going to have enough time saved up to take a month off next summer. That might not be too bad. I broke the news to my parents that I would not be home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I have not been home to see them since I came to Detroit about ten months ago. Not that I am a mamma's boy but I like to play basketball with my Dad and Sarah (my youngest sister). I like to hear Meghan (my 19 year old sister) bitch about life. My step Mom can be the best or the worst though. If I can get her talking about politics, literature or art, she is amazing. The rest of the time she is condemning me for my agnostic status. My Dad offsets that though by pulling me aside from time to time and letting me know how proud he is of me. Then the other side. Des Moines is one boring city. If anyone has any complaints about where they live move to Des Moines for a couple of months then move back. You will have a newfound appreciation for where you came from. I did this experiment with Salt Lake City, perhaps the two most boring cities in the US. It works, SLC won to my amazement. Though I must say that it is always good to go "home" because I love my whole clan. It is nice to have family. I need to finish cleaning and pack for NJ. I have to pick up my boss, I will call him Rasputin, at four tomorrow morning. Oh the joy. I am, as always, looking forward to flying. I love to travel and it has been six years since I spent time in NJ. I wish that there would be time to slip over to NY City. I would like to see first hand the destruction. Not that I am morbid, I just want the perceptual realization (the smell, to see with my own eyes instead of the cold pixel of television). What those bastards did was insanity. Perhaps they will realize that as they lay trapped in their collapsed bunkers feeling the reverberation so distinctive to the explosion of a 500-pound bomb. With luck it will give them the same feeling of hopelessness that those who died trapped in the rubble felt.

I wonder fort...

I wonder forth in boredom. I missed the movie I was going to see so I stopped by the video store. This should tell you something of my personality. I rented Along Came a Spider, Clerks the animated series, The Forsaken, and A Man for All Seasons. I am a sucker for campy horror flicks thus The Forsaken. I like Morgan Freeman and I heard good things about Along Came a Spider. Kevin Smith is just plain funny. A Man For All Seasons is just an all time classic movie, if you have not seen it you should. Thus my Saturday night. I would and should go out, but I have to work in the morning. I hate my job. As soon as my contract is up I am gone. The idea of moving to Maine is becoming more of a reality in my mind. Unless that is I just say fuck it and Craig and I move to Belize. Always the dream.

Ok, so I did ...

Ok, so I did not do anything to great last night. I went to this stupid seminar, god it sucked. Then I decided I needed a beer to help cope with the suckage of the previous two hours. I went to this little dive called the Scorecard. A couple of really nice looking women came in and sat a stool away from me. I wondered what on earth they could be doing there. Well in truth I had a good idea, but I was just not in the mood to tackle the whole "Hi, blah, blah, blah..." At least not for these two, call me judgmental but I don't think they could point out where Colorado is on a map, let alone tell me how they have always wanted to go there. So I sat back and watched the Red Wings finish off Buffalo. Well I tried to watch. During the last 30 seconds of the game a fight broke out between these other scrawny looking guys at the end of the bar. I had half a thought to step in, but it just looked funny. Well when I looked back up the game was over. Urg. Then the cops came to settle what was a continued argument between those two. What a bunch of losers. So I left, went home talked to Hol for a while. Got into a really stupid conversation and went to sleep. I am getting ready to swing by my office, then to exchange something at the mall. Of course I have no great plans tonight. The idea of heading to the post sucks. Hmm. I wonder if there are any old great movies on. Then I could actually study Greek like I am supposed to, or better pack for my trip to New Jersey. But then if I did any of that I would violate my sacred position as a procrastinator. I can't wait to get out of Dodge for a couple of days, even if I have to travel with my overly self important boss. Then there is always the video store, I have not been there in a while. God, I need a life.

Rob Gordon: W...

Rob Gordon: What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music? -High Fidelity

Clayton Bo...

Clayton Boone: No, I don't have a girlfriend.James Whale: Why not?Clayton Boone: You have to kiss some ass to get a piece of it.From "Gods and Monsters" a pretty good movie I watched last night.

So, I a...

So, I am paranoid. I did not get set up as much as stood up. Good for me. I could rant a little, though my journal has seen enough of that for a little while. I am set to have lunch with an old friend tomorrow. It will be nice to kick back and talk hockey. As I am from Utah, the Colorado Avalanche is not only my team by default, but by choice. I am peeved at Forsberg for bowing out this year, though I understand it. We are really going to need him when the Av's face the Wings. I hope to see them duke it out in the western conference final. Though who knows what will happen by then. I think hockey to be one of the few good things about Detroit, though being an Av fan does not go over well. Always a good conversation starter though.

24 and...

24 and the bomb has yet to drop. Not that it won't, just that it has not. Maybe just maybe my karma points were high enough. I guess in the end I did not have a bad day. I think that Yoda had it all worked out. That is to say that a puppet with a hand up its ass dished out some surprisingly good words. That whole fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to a desire to make fun of the other person behind their back because you are to chicken shit to face them. Well OK maybe not that exactly. But it is true. Here is a story. A friend (I use the term loosely because the girl of whom I speak does not understand what friendship means) and I are set to head out on a road trip to go to my cousins wedding. Pretty fancy affair. The weekend is set. We start here in Detroit with a Tigers game, drive all night to Iowa taking turns driving and staying alive. Crash out for a couple of hours and head to the party. Spend the next day with the family then head out for Chicago to see the sights. Finally heading home after a couple of days. Sound fun, well it did to me. Now to the reality. Two weeks before we were to head back she starts asking me what she should wear, I say nothing to fancy and that I was going to buy a new suit she could judge off that. We go suit shopping. We had a great time, I hate to shop... she loves to, but it somehow worked out. I pick up a nice formal suit, not a tux or anything so fancy. She has her idea. About this time she goes on a crash diet. Next day she goes shopping with the girls. She says she found a dress but that she was going to check one more place. I remind her that she does not have all that much time to get it altered and all, she says it's cool. A couple of days before we were to go we get together for lunch. We engage in the usual bashing of her roommate, who is one episode from Jerry Springer. Now for the record there is nothing unusual about this. Then she says that we should not make fun of her roommates weight because of how "fat" she herself is. This is nuts. I tell her this is nuts. While my friend is not a twig she has a very shapely figure. Girls and weight. I will never fully understand even though I know somehow that as a guy I am responsible (though I harbor this feeling that the fashion industry has something to do with it). Anyway I ask her about that dress she was in love with and she said everything is set, then got all quiet. I ask her if there is something wrong and she says no, but won't really speak to me. Later that night I ran into her and she was being downright bitchy. I asked what was up and she did not say anything, then as she was leaving the room she said something about my not being right all the time. I stopped her and asked what the fuck was going on. She told me that it was one thing to talk to other girls about their weight but that I had no right to comment. I asked what she was talking about and she told me to fuck off. This just really pissed me off. She is known to throw temper tantrums but I was not ready for her to say a couple of the things she said. I told to fuck off and grow up. With some nice four letters flying we parted ways. I have not spoken with her since, over two weeks. I did not head back because none of my other friends could make arrangements in time and I did not want to try to pull the trip off by driving all night alone. Now some part of this may make sense to you dear reader. I think that may be in part to how I have sketched it out, but at the time I was confused as hell. In retrospect this is what I think happened, she fell in love with a dress but in her weird girl state decided that it did not look right on her, thus the diet. She never bought a dress by the way. I add this to the case, she can be petty, not only in deed but also in thought. I see a diamond in her, but it is crushed beneath the shroud of stupidity and aggression she clings to in order to prevent failure. I think, I believe, that she processed this weird thing about her body into aggression towards me as a source that unwittingly pointed it out to her. This channeled aggression she used to sabotage the trip, thus the Yoda quote. In that it was my fault for making her mad she walks form the scene guilt free to her own little world. See I ran into one of the Avengers, of which she and I are both members, though I have been avoiding them since all this. He, under a guise of normality, made a mocking comment about my old job, Special Operations, and thus me. I rolled this off my back as I walked into 69. What this tells me though is that they have sat around and made me the brunt of many a joke, because I was not there to defend myself a natural side developed. Don't read too far into it, I do not really care all that much. It is the nature of the beast. The funny thing is that she still dodges me, and I dodge her. I think she dodges me because she knows that I understand her, maybe better than she understands herself sometimes. Speaking to me would be like facing that reflection in the mirror. Not the reflection we use to brush our teeth and comb our hair, but rather the one that lay behind our eyes. The one that we look at sometimes and realize that what and who we are does not measure up to what we want or pretend to be. Would you want to face that mirror if it talked back? I don't think I would. I may be wrong, I am sometimes, more often than I know. Maybe I do not realize what I said. I could have called her a pig, demeaned her to a one cow woman, it is possible. I would apologize but what good would it do. If she has assembled the Avengers and they have taken a stand it would look odd if she accepted an apology and backed down. No, she would belittle me. There would need to be a process to making up, a process that I do not care enough about. I have stuck my neck out for her. Defended her against a reaper that would love to see my neck get chopped. This is my reward. It is in this that I am so upset. Friendship is sacred, a trust and bond akin and sometimes exceeding that of family. I extended this to her, she dumped on it. That leaves us here. A gray area stuck on a shelf and left to die amidst forgotten relics. Perhaps for the better, 'tis fate or something less. I thank you dear reader, for sitting through my wondering aside. Allowing me to organize my thoughts on this. Vent into the catharsis of words. Is it permanently over between her and I, along with my role in the vaulted Avengers (as I so call them)? To finish as I started, "The future is always in motion." -A puppet with a hand up its ass.

So I think...

So I think that I might be getting set up. It's not that I am paranoid but there are people who would like to see my military experience brought to an end. An individual spark of color in an otherwise sea of green. Some people don't cope well with the idea that a subordinate might have a better idea. This is sad. Fuck them and the horses they rode in on."Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?" -Hamlet

So I think...

So I think that I might be getting set up. It's not that I am paranoid but there are people who would like to see my military experience brought to an end. An individual spark of color in an otherwise sea of green. Some people don't cope well with the idea that a subordinate might have a better idea. This is sad. Fuck them and the horses they rode in on."Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?" -Hamlet

Repor...

Report for today. Ugh, I hate to clean. This girl I know once offered to clean my house in the nude for $50.00. Problem, I don't want to see her naked. Though I don't know, maybe if I just close my eyes it may be worth it. Dishes are the biggest pain in the ass. I would switch to using all paper and plastic but I have this whole save the planet thing crammed in my head. Actually I am a happy environmentalist. Though a lazy one at best. I would go out and harass whaling ships. I just think that would be fun for a good cause. So other than putting off the cleaning of my apartment I ventured to the mecca of consumerism, the mall. What a fascinating place you never know whom you will run into there. I picked up "Office Space." Great movie. I will send you the TPS report. This was my day. Off from school, off from work and blah... I go to the mall. Though I must admit that my favorite thing to do at the mall is play air-hockey, at which I am king. I really want an air-hockey table for the apartment. Hmmm. Yes I am bored.

What dreams may come.

I just had one of the strangest dreams. I dreamt that I was on my couch trying to take a nap, when I was in actuality on my couch trying to take a nap. In my dream though I was struggling to wake up but could not because I was to tired. So tired that when I tried to get up I fell over and slept under my coffee table. Then all the sudden I woke up in my dream and in real life. It was so vivid that it took me a second to realize why I was still on the couch. Ugh. I hate dreams like that. Today seems to be a day of torment. A good friend emailed me and is having trouble with her relationship, which she usually is. The thing that gets to me is we tried dating once and she said that I was too nice. How can one be too nice? Meanwhile the guy she's with is an ass and she is striving to please him and buckle her own desires to get the relationship to work. Ugh. To further the report my alienation from the Avengers is happily ongoing. I call my neighbors the Avengers because we are all in the military so when we come together in time of crisis we can really kick ass. When there is nothing big going on we are torn by infighting, ergo the name. Happily I have removed myself from the artificial fray. In a way I have become the sage of 69. Which is my apartment number. I am happy to be removed from the petty nature that surrounds me. Though I need to meet some people my age, which for the folks at home is 26. Ugh. Now to the question, where does one meet mid twenties people in Detroit? The quest must begin. I wonder what the X-Men are up to?

OK, thi...

OK, this is my first official entry into live journal that is somewhat a record of my thoughts. Who am I and what do I do? Well dear reader I cannot give all clues away at the beginning. After all why would you tune in later? To start, yes the rumors are true, I am in the military. Though upon your getting to know me you will wonder why. To answer this I don't even know anymore. The answer will be lost forever to the ages of time. I dislike what I do, which by the way sets me on stage in Detroit. However, this motor city is a far cry from the land of my youth. I grew up in the Rocky Mountains. I am more at home in the woods of the Wasatch Range than the sprawl of the suburbs. I do take one small joy. My current home sits on the shores of Lake Sinclair, which I like to take long walks along. I have spent a good deal of my life traveling now. I have been all over Europe, from the lights of Paris to the ruins of Serbia. I read a good deal and enjoy it. From Shakespeare's Henry V to Douglas Adams Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy I take a great many perspectives on life. I am an optimist, I always believe that the glass should hold water. I also think that the good guys always win, no matter how long it takes. I enjoy politics and history. I firmly believe that we can learn by laughing at others mistakes. I think Locke had a lot of good ideas though Libertarians are wrong. I like the idea of the Green Party though still count myself a Democrat. One of my great heroes is Thomas Jefferson. I think that every American should learn more about the founders, but his view reached past Monticello:"The ground of liberty is to be gained by inches, that we must be contented to secure what we can get from time to time, and eternally press forward for what is yet to get. It takes time to persuade me to do even what is for their own good."- Thomas Jefferson in a letter to Charles Clay, January 27, 1790.I want to thank Ms. Orlando. She is one crazy chick who I have come to admire greatly. She also is responsible for bringing my world to you through this medium. The proof of quintessence rests in her, but not her alone. I have a great many friends from Virginia, Colorado, Maine, and now Michigan that I ad the commentary to my existence. This is the start. My life and perhaps past will unfold with these keys strokes and be forever noted in your history as the reader.